Sacraments of Reconciliation
Part 8 Exploring Forgiveness
Chapter 81 Interpersonal Forgiveness
Preliminary Questions
1. "An eye for an eye..." What does this mean?
2. "Forgiveness is impossible without Grace." If the Is grace always given, then the statement is meaningless; if it is not always given, why would God not give it?
3. "Forgiveness is more for the injured party than for the offender." Is God injured when we sin? When God forgives, does God benefit?
What is the difference between justice and vengeance?
If forgiveness is impossible without punishment of the offender, what punishment does [God] impose on the "Prodigal Son" in Luke or the "woman caught in the act of adultery" in John 9?
When is "penance" for the sake of punishment and when is it for rehabilitation?
Why do we put people in prison?
Is it ever impossible to forgive? Is it ever unwise (or unjust) to forgive?
Bumper Sticker: "Christians aren't perfect; they are forgiven."
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Bibliography
During the past 50 years a new science has emerged, the study of forgiveness. These studies examine the process and psychological dynamics involved in interpersonal forgiveness and the implications for corporate and communal forgiveness. The revision of the Sacrament of Reconciliation will not be fully effective until sufficient account is taken of these human realities. Currently these studies have had little influence on our celebration of the sacrament.
Wiesenthal, Simon. The Sunflower: On the Possibilities and Limits of Forgiveness. Revised and Expanded Edition, New York: Schocken Books, 1998. ISBN 0-8052-1060-1. Paper. $13.00.
Arnold, Johann Christoph. Why Forgive? Plough, 1999. 176 pp. Hardcover $17.00
Enright, Robert D. and North, Joanna (Editors). Exploring Forgiveness. Madison: The University of Wisconsin Press, 1994. ISBN 0-299-15774-1. (=Enright)
Haughton, Rosemary Luling. Images For Change. Paulist Press, 1997. 176pp. ISBN 0-8091-0490-3. Hardcover $19.95
McCullough, Michael, Pargament, Kenneth and Thoresen, Carl (Editors). Forgiveness. The Guilford Press, 2000. ISBN1-57230-510-X. 317 pp.
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Definitions
Forgive (verb) ORIGIN: Old English 1. stop feeling angry or resentful towards (someone) for an offense or mistake. 2. excuse (an offense, flaw, or mistake). (Oxford Dictionary, University Press)
Forgiveness -- it seems that “forgiveness” is used in two different senses: one: something that happens within the wrong doer, and two something that happens within us (whether the injured party or just “observers” as Harold Kushner’s says: “Forgiveness is not something we do for another person ... Forgiving happens inside us.”
Atonement (noun) ORIGIN at-one 1. amends for a wrong or injury. 2. (the Atonement) Christian Theology the reconciliation of God and mankind through the death of Jesus Christ. (Oxford Dictionary, University Press)
Penance (noun) ORIGIN Old French, from Latin paenitentia 'repentance' 1. voluntary self-punishment expressing repentance for wrongdoing. 2. a sacrament in which a member of the Church confesses sins to a priest and is given absolution. 3. a religious duty imposed as part of this sacrament. (Oxford Dictionary, University Press)
Reconcile (verb) ORIGIN Latin reconciliare, from conciliare 'bring together.' 1. restore friendly relations between. 2. make or show to be compatible. 3. (reconcile to) make (someone) accept (a disagreeable thing). (Oxford Dictionary, University Press)
Restorative Justice "Restorative justice is a theory of justice that emphasizes repairing the harm caused or revealed by criminal behavior. It is best accomplished through cooperative processes that include all stakeholders. Practices and programs reflecting restorative purposes will respond to crime by: 1) identifying and taking steps to repair harm; 2) involving all stakeholders, and 3) transforming the traditional relationship between communities and their governments in responding to crime." http://www.restorativejustice.org/intro
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Chapter 1. Introducing
Forgiveness
Robert D. Enright and Joanna North
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Chapter 2. The Power and Reality of Forgiveness:
Forgiving the Murderer of One's Child
Marietta Jaeger
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Chapter 3. The "Ideal" of
Forgiveness: A Philosopher's Exploration
Joanna North
North's Nine Stages of Forgiveness
This table is taken from Joanna North's essay "The 'Ideal' of Forgiveness: A Philosopher's Exploration," in Enright, Robert D. and North, Joanna (Editors). Exploring Forgiveness. Madison: The University of Wisconsin Press, 1994. ISBN 0-299-15774-1, pp 15-45, The table is on page 30. It is reprinted here under the "fair use" rule, presuming that those using the table have already purchased the textbook.
Injured Party's (IP) Perspective |
Wrongdoer's (WD) Perspective |
| 1. IP experiences negative feelings. Gradually recognizes and becomes aware of feelings experienced. | 1. WD recognizes that he has done wrong. Also recognizes IP's right to punish. |
| 2. IP demands justice/punishment/retribution. Perhaps feels some lessening of negative emotions. | 2. WD experiences "other oriented" regret or remorse for the wrong. |
| 3. IP willing to forgive, primarily to relieve his own feelings. | 3. WD resolves to reform. Undergoes a process of reframing in regard to himself. |
| 4. IP looks looks beyond himself to wrongdoer (WD). Recognizes some form of impersonal claim on his forgiveness. | 4. WD recognizes some measure of self-improvement. Process of self-forgiveness under way. |
| 5. IP recognizes a personal claim on his forgiveness. | 5. WD desires IP's forgiveness. |
| 6. IP experiences desire to forgive. Feels more positive emotions toward WD. | 6. WD asks IP for forgiveness. |
| 7. IP decides to forgive WD. Undergoes a process of "reframing" which helps IP to separate WD from his wrong. | 7. Some measure of self-forgiveness achieved. WD now awaits IP's response. |
| 8. IP offers or displays some public form of expression of his forgiveness. | 8. WD accepts IP's offer of forgiveness. Self-esteem restored, at least partially. |
| 9. IP's negative feelings largely or wholly overcome. Reconciliation now achieved or possible. | 9. WD has overcome his negative feelings of self-hatred or disapproval. Reconciliation now achieved or possible. |
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Chapter 4. The Metaphysics and
Morality of Forgiveness
Keith E. Yandell
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Chapter 5. The Psychology of
Interpersonal Forgiveness
Robert D Enright, Suzanne Freedman, and Julio Rique
Psychological Variables Involved When We Forgive
Table 5.1 Psychological variables that may be involved when we forgive (Enright page 53)
Uncovering Phase
1. Examination of psychological defenses (Kiel 1986).
2. Confrontation of anger; the point is to release, not harbor, the anger
(Trainer 1981).
3. Admittance of shame, when this is appropriate (Patton 1985).
4. Awareness of cathexis (Droll 1984).
5. Awareness of cognitive rehearsal of the offense (Droll 1984).
6. Insight that the injured party may be comparing self with the injurer
(Kiel 1986).
7. Realization that oneself may be permanently and adversely changed by the
injury (Close 1970).
8. In sight into a possibly altered "just world" view (Flanagan
1987).
Decision Phase
9. A change of heart, conversion, new insights that old resolution strategies
are not working.
10. Willingness to consider forgiveness as an option.
11. Commitment to forgive the offender (Cunningham 1985).
Work Phase
12. Reframing, through role taking, who the wrongdoer is by viewing him or
her in contest..
13. Empathy toward the offender (Cunningham 1985).
14. Awareness of compassion, as it emerges, toward the offender (Droll 1984).
15. Acceptance and absorption of the pain (Bergin 1988).
Deepening Phase
16. Finding meaning for self and others in the suffering and in the forgiveness
process.
17. Realization that self has needed others’ forgiveness in the past.
18. Insight that one is not alone (universality, support).
19. Realization that self may have a new purpose in life because of the
injury.
20. Awareness of decreased negative affect and, perhaps, increased positive
affect, if this begins to emerge, toward the injurer; awareness of internal,
emotional release (Smedes 1984).
Note: This table is an extension of Enright and the Human Development Study Group (1991). The references shown here at the end of each unit are prototypical examples or discussions of that unit.
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Chapter 6. Anger and The Healing
Power of Forgiveness: A Psychiatrist's View
Richard Fitzgibbons
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Chapter 7. The Process of Forgiveness in
Marriage and the Family
Paul W. Coleman
Five Phases of Forgiveness
Taken from Paul W. Coleman, "The Process of Forgiveness in Marriage and the Family" pp 75-94 of Robert D. Enright and Joanna North (Editors) Exploring Forgiveness, Madison: The University of Wisconsin Press, 1998. ISBN 0-29915774-1. [Paul W. Coleman is a psychologist in private practice in Wappinger Falls, NY.]
Phase 1: Identifying the Hurt
This is not a simple task. All hurt comes from loss
Loss of love or lovability
Loss of self-esteem
Loss of control or influence
Someone who experiences a traumatic loss, injury or betrayal discovers that many of the beliefs about life once held dear no longer have meaning.
Refusing forgiveness is a way to regain the perception of control. This is not a good long-term strategy.
To identify the hurt:
Visualize the person who harmed you as sitting in front of you.
Say the phrase "I forgiven you."
Chances are this will be followed by a thought such as "But what you did was unfair."
Repeat step ii.
Pay close attention to the thoughts and feelings that immediately follow. These are strong clues about what the nature of your hurt is.
Phase 2: Confronting
By letter (which may not necessarily be mailed) or face to face.
Not confronting minimizes the hurt.
Phase 3: The Dialogue to Understanding
The meanest form of suffering is suffering with no meaning.
Making sense of suffering is important in the healing process.
If we can learn why the other person harmed us it can be easier to forgive.
Phase 4: Forgiving
Phase 5: Letting Go
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Sunflower: Story
Wiesenthal, Simon. The Sunflower: On the Possibilities and Limits of Forgiveness. Revised and Expanded Edition, New York: Schocken Books, 1998. ISBN 0-8052-1060-1. Paper. $13.00.
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Sunflower: Comments
Forgive and Forget? Forgive and Remember?
"Without forgetting there can be no forgiving." (Moshe Bejski, The Sunflower, p 116.)
"I believe that one should forgive the person who have committed atrocities against oneself and mankind. But this does not necessarily mean one should forget about the atrocities committed. In fact, one should be aware and remember these experiences so the efforts can be made to check the reoccurrence of such atrocities in the future." (The Dalai Lama, The Sunflower, p 129.)
"Forgiving and Forgetting are two separate acts. One should forgive---not out of altruism but out of the need to be free to get on with one's life--but we ought not forget." (Matthew Fox, The Sunflower, p 148)
Forgiving and Being Forgiven -- 1) Forgiving
"Forgiveness is and act of volition." (Robert Coles, The Sunflower, p 126.)
"It is a cardinal principal of Judeo-Christian ethics that forgiveness must always be granted to the sincerely repentant." (Edward H. Flannery, The Sunflower, p 136.)
"You must learn the wisdom of how to let go of poison." (Jose Hobday, The Sunflower, p174.)
"Judge not that ye be not judged. It is our duty to reflect how small is our own understanding and that, if we knew all of a story, we should often see how much more there was to be said for another action, how much time--it may be--of the blame really is ours than appeared at first sight." (Christopher Hollis, The Sunflower, p177.)
"Forgiving is not something we do for another person, as the Nazi asked Wiesenthal to do for him. Forgiving happens inside us." (Harold S. Kushner, The Sunflower, p186.)
"I refuse to give you the power to define me as a victim." (Harold S. Kushner, The Sunflower, p186.)
"How, then, do vengeance and forgiveness differ?
In this way: forgiveness is pitiless. It forgets the victim. It negates the
right of the victim to his own life. It blurs over suffering and death. It
drowns the past. It cultivates sensitiveness toward the murder at the price of
insensitiveness toward the victim." (Cythia Ozick, The Sunflower, p
217.)
Forgiving and Being Forgiven -- 2) Being Forgiven
"Unlike South Africa's Truth and Reconciliation Commission, Germany never established a public forum at which crimes against the Jews were openly confessed." (Susannah Heschel, The Sunflower, p172.)
"So do not grant pardon before you are certain that the guilty on their side will always remember their guilt." (Manes Sperber, The Sunflower, p 248.)
"To be forgiven is to fell the weight of past lifted from our shoulders, to feel the stain of past wrongdoing washed away. To be forgiven is to feel free to step into the future unburdened by the precedent of who we have been and what we have done in previous times." Harold S. Kushner, The Sunflower, p184.)
Reframing
"The real issue is whether the Jew and Nazi were two of God's children sharing a common humanity or whether they are two different sorts of being, irrevocable at war with one another." (Christopher Hollis, The Sunflower, p180.)
Forgiveness and Justice
"If genocide goes unpunished , it will set a precedent for tomorrow's genocide. Without Justice, there can never be reconciliation and real peace." (Sven Alkalaj, The Sunflower, p 104.)
"Whoever is merciful to the cruel will end by being indifferent to the innocent.' Forgiveness can brutalize." (Cythia Ozick, The Sunflower, p 215.)
Private Sin / Social Sin
"I explicitly and emphatically reject the idea of collective guilt." (Sven Alkalaj, The Sunflower, p 104.)
"Even if Wiesenthal believed that he was empowered to grant a pardon in the name of the murdered masses, such an act of mercy would have been a kind of betrayal and repudiation of the memory of millions of innocent victims who where unjustly murdered, among them, the members of his family." (Moshe Bejski, The Sunflower, p 115.)
"Sins of complicity are killing the planet and laying waste the souls of may young people as we live in denial of the prisons we are building to house young persons whose violence stems from despair and joblessness and we lay waste forests and waters and soil and the air itself by our lifestyles of consumption." (Matthew Fox, The Sunflower, p 147.)
"A priest who fully understood the meaning of his role in the sacrament would never grant private absolution to one whose crime has been public. The sinner must publicly acknowledge guilt, and only then ask for absolution. Anything less than that is, believe, a perversion of the sacrament. For this reason, many Catholics are uncomfortable with the purely private nature of confession if it lacks any form of public penitence." (Mary Gordon, The Sunflower, p 152.)
Divine Forgiveness: The Difference Jesus Makes
"Over the past twenty years I have frequently used The Sunflower as a text in my holocaust course; it has invariably led to animated discussions. One striking feature of these has been that, almost without exception, the Christian students come out in favor of forgiveness, while the Jewish students fell that Simon did the right thing by not granting the dying mans wish." (Eva Fleischner, The Sunflower, p 139.)
"According to Jewish tradition, even God Himself can only forgive sins committed against Himself, not against man." (Abraham Joshua Heschel, The Sunflower, p 171.)
"The crimes in which this SS man had taken part are beyond forgiveness by man, and even God himself is among the accused." (Arthur Hertzberg, The Sunflower, p 167.)
"A well known talmudic text teaches that Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, atones only for sins committed against God; as regards offenses committed against one's felloe human beings, atonement can be achieved only through pacifying the injured party." (Joseph Telushkin, The Sunflower, p 264.)
"That SS officer should take up his case with God. I personally think he should go to hell and rot there. I doubt very much that my God would grant him forgiveness. After all, what does it take to serve in hell?" (Sidney Shachnow , The Sunflower, p 243.)
"According to an old medieval legend the Apostles assembled together in heaven to recelebrate the Last Supper. There was one place vacant , until through the door Judas came in and Christ rose and kissed him and said 'We have waited for thee". (Christopher Hollis, The Sunflower, p180.)
"Why was there no outcry from the world's billion Christians while the thirteen million Jews of the world made Soviet Jewry a household word? I believe that there are four reasons: the Christian doctrine of forgiveness has blunted Christian anger at those who oppress them; the notion that one should pray for one's enemies has been taken to mean 'pray for them, do not fight them'; The belief that God loves everyone, no matter how evil, makes it impossible for a believing Christian to hate evil people and therefore difficult to fight them (I assume those who love mass murderers are less likely to want them dead than those who hate them); and the Christian emphasis on saving souls for the afterlife has led to some de-emphasis on saving bodies in this life." (Dennis Prager, The Sunflower, p 229.)
"Should not a sentence like 'The SS man had a Catholic education' be so thoroughly a contradiction of its own terms that the words come out jabberwocky?" (Cythia Ozick, The Sunflower, p 213.)
"Does the habit, inculcated in infancy, of worshiping a Master--a Master depicted in human form yet seen to be omnipotent--make it easy to accept a Fuhrer?" (Cythia Ozick , The Sunflower, p 213.)
"For a Buddhist, forgiveness is always possible and one should always forgive." (Matthieu Ricard, The Sunflower, p 235.) -- "The best thing you can do now is pray that in your future lives you will be able to atone for your crimes by doing as much good as you have done evil." (Matthieu Ricard, The Sunflower, p 236.)
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Chapter 8. Forgivers and the
Unforgivable
Beverly Flaniga
The authors suggest that there are three basic assumptions that comprise an “assumptive set” namely that, “the world is benevolent, the world is meaningful and the self is worthy” (99)
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Chapter 9. Forgiveness and Crime:
The Possibilities of Restorative Justice
Walter J. Dickey
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Chapter 10. Forgiveness in the
Community: Views from an Episcopal Priest and Former Chief of Police
The Reverend David Couper
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Chapter 11. Is There Forgiveness in
Politics? Germany, Vietnam and America
Donald W. Shriver, Jr.
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Chapter 12. Expanding Our Options: The
Challenge of Forgiveness
Joseph W. Elder
An old Indian Grandfather said to his grandson who came to him with deep anger at a friend who had done him an injustice........ "Let me tell you a story. I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do. But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times." He continued...... "It is as if there are two wolves inside me; One is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him and does not take offense when no offense was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way. He saves all his energy for the right fight. But the other wolf, ahhh! He is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all the time. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger, for his anger changes nothing. Yes it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit." The boy looked intently into his Grandfather’s eyes and asked... "Which one wins, Grandfather?" The Grandfather smiled and quietly said...... "The one I feed." [Author Unknown]
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To Think About
How can you use this information to celebrate the Sacrament of Reconciliation more fruitfully?
© Copyright: Tom Richstatter, Franciscan Province of St. John the Baptist, Cincinnati Ohio, Order of Friars Minor. All Rights Reserved. This page was created by Fr. Thomas Richstatter, O.F.M. Every effort has been, and is being made, to acknowledge sources when the ideas are not my own. Any failure to comply with the United States Copyright Act (Title 17, United States Code) will be corrected immediately should I become aware of it. This site was updated on 06/13/08 . Your comments on this site are welcome at webmaster2@tomrichstatter.org.